I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
