In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
