do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
