Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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