I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
