His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
