I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
