how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
two words: eviction party
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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