nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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