You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
