I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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