I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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