I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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