addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
