I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
