I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
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