i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
