Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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