I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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