Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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