Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
