He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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