I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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