he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize