hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Randomize
