$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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