I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
