apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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