I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
