Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
it's not cheating when I paid for it
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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