Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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