mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
We need to feng shui this bitch.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
