the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
