dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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