I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
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