On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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