i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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