The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I need moral support for this bender
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
