MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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