so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
