My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize