She announced her abortion via fbk
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
