I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
