Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize