ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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