Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
