just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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