I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
