is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
