My hair reeks of homosexuality.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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