Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
