I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
