this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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