apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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