You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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