i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
