Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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