I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
