a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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