Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
