just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
