Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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