why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
