Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
she peed on how many people?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
