happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
