This is not my ceiling
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize