420 ftw
People in love make me want to vomit
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
